Friday, November 07, 2008

Things That Will Never Be On My Christmas List

1. The Chicken Purse - Not made out of actual chicken. Not that that is in any way a selling point. Seriously, the very existence of this may be a sign of the apocalypse. The amount of money it would take for me to carry this handbag would not fit into that handbag. Not in $100 bills. Or Krugerrands.

2. Lingerie - This is not a Christmas present I want under my tree. A silk nightgown or robe I'm fine with. A sexy lace babydoll? That's a Valentine's Day present meant to be opened when there are only two people present. The wearee and the undresser. Nuff said.

3. The Guitar Toilet Handle - Even if I played the guitar, I don't think I'd need to express that creative side of myself when flushing. What is the purpose of this? Who owns one? Is this given as some sort of conciliatory prize for those voted off American Idol? I am agog.

4. Toenail clippers - These should never be a gift. Ever. Not under any circumstances. Not if they're gold plated and mother-of-pearl inlaid. Just don't. Ever.

5. Christmas Themed Clothing - See, by the time I get this, Christmas is basically over, so that means I must wear it immediately. Not that I would wear it. I promise you, these items go directly into the Goodwill bin tags attached. If that's the best present you can come up with, save your money and buy yourself a clue.

What won't ever be on your list?


  1. I love your list. I agree with all of it. I'm not a big fragrance fan unless it a tried and true one that I already use. I'm way too picky that way and end up secretly not liking what folks give me. Bath products are just fine though.

  2. Oh, my gosh. Hillarious!

    The Christmas themed clothing makes me think Of Bridget Jones' Diary when Collin Firth turns around and is wearing that reindeer sweater. LOL!

  3. Awe, the chicken purse is a great idea! Does it come with a matching rooster wallet? Although I'd be afraid of where they'd put the zipper!

    NOT on my Christmas list would be fruit cake or the tins full of stale cookies. Rum cake perhaps...

  4. Hey. I like that chicken purse.

  5. Hmmm, lingerie is definitely a no-no. When I was first married my mil gave me "sexy" underwear. It was SO embarrassing. And she's a really good MIL, she just thought it was funny.

  6. That chicken purse is the funniest frickin' thing I've ever seen!!!! WHO would want that? mother probably would...what am I saying? But please, don't give it to me to re-gift to her. LOL! Christmas-themed clothes have always skeeved me out...except when worn by Colin Firth in Bridget Jones. = )

  7. Definitely a toaster. I mean really...a toaster??

  8. Any appliance. I just don't think it's right to get say...a vacuum for Christmas. Though one year I did ask for a hand-held vac from my dad and he came through. I love that thing. But I asked...

    And Christmas-themed clothing is not good either. LOL Neither are chicken purses!

  9. Shell toilet seat covers.

  10. Hi Kristen,

    I like the paper portion of your blog but the background reminds me of Neapolitan icecream.

    Take care and I hope you feel better soon, unless your over your bug?


  11. LOVE the new look. WHERE can I get the guitar handle flusher??? I'm so serious - my teenage guitar player would love it.

  12. Okay I seriously want one of everything. I have some really lame relatives I need to payback. AWESOME!