Monday, April 27, 2009

Monday Nonsense

It's Monday. I'm still recovering from RT. And I need to write. So you get this:

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY
(....as well as the idiosyncrasies of the English language)

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

14 comments:

  1. *rubs eyes* Is that a whole lot of... nothing?

    :) Good luck getting back into the groove!

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  2. Well, no! I see something through my "follower management" window, but nothing pops up here. *shrugs* I'll try again later. :)

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  3. Sheesh, let me just fill up you comments section...

    I've figured it out!

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  4. Hidden text! Sneaky. Highlight the page and it all shows up.

    Cute stuff, Kristen. #21 killed me. =o)Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. I needed it - especially since I woke to snow.

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  5. I didn't mean for it to be hidden, I just didn't look at it when I published it. lol Sorry about that!

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  6. I thought I couldn't read all those caps but got sucked in by no. 4. Very funny.

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  7. LOL! Thanks for laugh:)
    I'll have to tell everyone at work at about num. 29!

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  8. You can do it! RT is just the prequel for what I have up my sleeve for RWA! LOL

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  9. Great list.
    I hope you had fun at RT!

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  10. *Snort* Hilarious. #5 & #33 are my favorite. Glad you had fun at RT!

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  11. LOL! This is why I love visiting your blog!

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  12. These are great! I'll have to post a couple of them on the headlines for FB. Too funny ;o) Now go write!

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