Friday, May 16, 2008

An Open Letter To My Cat

Dear Sam,

First of all, you know Mama loves you. This is why I think we need to discuss a few things about your behavior.

1. There is no need to sit on my nightstand and stare down at me when I'm waking up. I realize you're concerned that I may forget I have cats and that they need to be feed, but I assure you, I will not. The loud yowling that commences upon your seeing my eyes open is also not necessary.

2. Neither is swatting my legs. My routine has been the same every morning for years. When I get up, I visit the litter box and brush my teeth. Nothing you do will cause me to feed you first. Not the crying, not the ankle biting, not even sleeping in my sink. I am capable of using a different sink to brush my teeth.

3. However, if you took more than one bite of your food before walking away I might be convinced you were actually hungry.

Other things that will henceforth be considered inappropriate behavior:

* Amusing yourself throughout the night by "cleaning" off my nightstand. I do not appreciate finding such things as my chapstick, hand lotion, hair scrunchy and latest book shoved onto the floor in the morning.

* Licking the lotion off my arm while I am trying to sleep.

* Sleeping on my keyboard. Yes, I know it's warm, but we live in Florida. This is not your only option for warmth.

* Sleeping in the clean clothes basket. While I suspect this is something your grandmother taught you as a way to instill in me the need to fold things straight from the dryer, it's not working. Just stop. Your father doesn't like that much cat hair on his underwear.

* Using a litterbox nugget as a toy. Please do not pretend you are a poor homeless dumpster cat who has to play with whatever he can find. This house is lousy with real cat toys purchased with good money. Play with one those.

* Bringing lizards/frogs/palmetto bugs/spiders into the house. The house is not the natural environment of these creatures and if you continue to bring them inside, the house will not be your natural environment for much longer either.

* Insisting on sharing the lounge chair with me when I am covered in bronzing oil and trying to get some sun. Oil and cat hair will never be a good combo. Bronzing oil is not, no matter how much you want it to be, edible.

Thank you for listening. I feel like our relationship can only improve from here.
Much love,
Your mother


  1. Very good letter. Strong but loving and to the point. I now feel the need to write a much overdue letter to dear Jack right away. I'm so feeing you on the unfolded laundry issue! Thanks for the morning inspiration.

  2. Your cat sounds like mine. They are dictators I say!

  3. Lololol... You totally made my morning.

  4. I think Sam will shred this once he's read it, lol. I love cats, but dogs are definitely easier :)

  5. ROFL. Thanks, Kristen, I needed that. I'd write a letter to my cat, but she'd just shred it and then sleep on it. Why she loves nibbling on the edges of anything paper (not books, thank goodness, but manuscript pages are fair game in her mind) and sleeping on anything paper, including books... I'll never figure that one out.

  6. Mmmmmm....broooooonzing oil. = )

    Now tell me again why I'm about to bring kitties back into my life?

  7. LOL.

    Animals are all the same... For me, I'd write a letter to my brother's dog who I sometimes dogsit.
    No, Jasper, rubbing your "gentle leader" harness on my leg won't miraculously remove it from your nose, just like it didn't the past 5000 times you've tried it -- on this particular walk.
    I get that you're in a hurry to get to the off leash area, and no, pulling on the lead will not make me go faster. I'm dumb that way, I simply can't learn.